Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
