Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
