I feel like abortions should bother me more
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You're like the curious george of whores
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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