I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
