You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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