i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
