exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
