Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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