I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
