I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
