chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
