from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so let's talk penis.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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