I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
