I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
