i was born a porn star she said
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
