she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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