Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
