sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
