I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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