Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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