My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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