Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Randomize
