I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
