i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
