Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
