She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
