I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
