I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
