im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
