so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
