My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
