You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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