i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Vodka?
Forever.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
