PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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