Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
