there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize