good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
