her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
