I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Randomize
