This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This is my gift to your gina
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
