I just pynch a tree in the face
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
