She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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