Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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