also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
