he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
