And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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