Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
