names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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