i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
