Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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