what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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