it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
